Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
