Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
