do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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