The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
