I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
