I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
