Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
