I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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