Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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