you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
