I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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