she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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