I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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