I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
