she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
