You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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