i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
