My sheets look like a crime scene.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
