soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
