Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
