I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
