Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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