there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
