WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
