This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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