Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
