I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
