it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
