at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
