That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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