I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
