i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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