i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
