Already got asked if we're dating
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
