I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
