Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
