I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
