i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
