I hope mine doesn't look like that
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
