We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
