I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
