Porn is love you can see.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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