I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
