If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
