either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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