Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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