my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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