If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
