Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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