Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
