The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
