I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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