My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
