my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
