You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
