I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
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I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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