i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
