I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
