we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
